I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
