I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize