we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
