if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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