i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
