was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
