So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
