nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
