bring money and cleavage
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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