I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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