How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
