One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Pants are for mortals
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Text me some of your sweat
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
