Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
