my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
