he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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