Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
