There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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