It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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