Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
