seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
