i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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