she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
