When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
