wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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