wanna go halves on a baby?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
