I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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