dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize