can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
