I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I puked a lego.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
