Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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