around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
