you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
