We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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