i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
