No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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