I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You dont lie about slip and slides
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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