I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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