Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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