Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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