I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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