guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
