im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize