my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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