Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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