yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
