Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
