JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
