we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize