I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
