i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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