don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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