im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
