Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
