he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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