The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
where are you?
Hypothermia
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
