The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
