i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
