i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
