Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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