made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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