a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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