this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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