You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
